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Today we went to another baby’s funeral. It was one of the most heartbreaking things I have ever had to do. I thought about how, had the circumstances been different, you might have been playing on the floor at Bible study with Baby Audrey. You two might have been friends and Angie and I could have shared funny baby stories. But Audrey went to Heaven. And her mommy and daddy are so much stronger than I ever think I could be. The Bible says that God only gives us what we can handle and I assume that if I had to face that situation God would give me the grace to endure it. To those of us on the outside, though, it seems unbearable.
Some days I just want to scream and hate a God that could allow little children to die, wonderful people to suffer from cancer, 18-year-olds to die in car wrecks, young girls to be raped. War. All the ugliness in this world. But then I remember that without Him I am so lost. Without Jesus, I don’t have a purpose. I don’t have someone that loves me insanely no matter what I do. Someone I can talk to when I wake up at 3 a.m. having crazy dreams, or when I think I am going to lose my mind from the stress at work, or think I might have to run away from my life because I feel out of control. He is good. I cling to the verses that say when we die, we will know as we are fully known.
Baby, I hope that you will grow to love Jesus immensely. It is my fear to bring a child into the world just to have him/her reject God and populate hell. Your daddy and I will teach you that God loves you so much He sent His very own Son to die for you. We will only love a smidgen as much as God does. I pray that you will be wise when you are turned out on your own, and that your heart will be full of Scriptures to combat the other voices around you.
We already love you very much and can’t wait to see your sweet little face. Be safe and grow in there!