The Prayer

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Things I have spilled on my pants so far this morning:
-coffee
-breastmilk
-grape juice
Please, Lord, I can’t take another one of these days!!
I came home from the grocery store crying last night. Mr. Vanderbilt, of course, asked me, “What’s wrong?”
What’s wrong? I don’t even know. Maybe it’s that sometimes I just plain don’t like myself. I don’t like that I am the kind of person who always imagines the worst possible situation; the kind of person who, when she sees a traffic jam on the way home from the grocery store, worries that her husband and child have been killed in a car accident and what will she do? Will she go live with her parents? Stay in Nashville? Become a hermit?
Honestly, who thinks like that? Am I a lunatic? 
I hate that the mommy guilt is already piling on. I feel like I need 10 minutes to myself. I want to do the simple things I used to do: volunteer, sing in the choir, not worry about getting home at exactly such-and-such a time so the baby can eat again. Then I get mad at myself for wanting these things, because of course I wouldn’t give up Libbie for anything in the world, and I have to accept that I’m in a new phase of life now.
I hate that I get annoyed when Libbie cries incessantly, or when she refuses to latch on correctly and it hurts, or when she just will not fall asleep, for the love of Pete. Does that mean I’m a bad mother? See mommy guilt, above.
I feel like lately every day has been “one of those days.” God, I really need some peace right now. I need to know You love me. I need to crawl into your lap and just cry a little bit. I need to remember that You have not given me a spirit of fear–it is from the Enemy.
We had “The Prayer” sang at our wedding (by my sister and a friend. Don’t talk about it or I’ll start crying). I’ll be singing this today in my heart.
I pray you’ll be our eyes
And watch us where we go
And help us to be wise
In times when we don’t know

Let this be our prayer
As we go our way
Lead us to a place
Guide us with your grace
To a place where we’ll be safe

Written by: David Foster, Carole Bayer Sager, Alberto Testa, Tony Renis

7 thoughts on “The Prayer

  1. Hang in there Jess. I don’t know what it’s like to be in your situation exactly but I know that you can only get through one day at a time and that asking yourself these questions, considering what’s working and what isn’t working is a step in the right direction. At least you’re talking about it instead of holding it all in. While Libbie is your most important priority she isn’t the end all and be all of your life. She should add to who you are not take away and that goes for everything (your husband, your job, your extracurricular activities). You’re right that you’re in an new phase but even this phase won’t really last forever, she’ll grow and become more independent and you’ll become more confident in what you can do with and without her (you made it to Blissdom). Never be afraid to ask for help, how does anyone get through life without it and take a deep deep breath. Maybe a handful. Thinking of you and saying my own prayer.

  2. New reader to your blog!

    I just want to tell you to hang in there. I’ve been there – we all have. It’s normal. Keep your chin up girl!

  3. Oh gosh-I have weeks-nay, MONTHS like this!! Don’t.feel.guilty!! It’s all part of the adventure called parenthood. There are good days, bad days, horrible days, days where you want to sell your toddler to the circus (did I say that out loud?). That scene in Oliver where the man sings “One boy for sale”….Yeah, I’ve been there. Children are such a blessing, but it’s okay to let a baby fuss so that you can have five extra minutes to shut yourself in a dark room and have quiet. Babies don’t die from crying 🙂
    Really, if you EVER EVER want to commiserate, please-let me know. I can empathize completely! Being a mother changes EVERYTHING!! Good luck-prayer is a great avenue when you are feeling overwhelmed!

  4. I just posted about mommy guilt too. After three years of being a mother, I keep thinking the guilt will go away. It seems there are just new things to feel guilty about. I don’t know what the answer is. Lots of prayer. Cling to your husband. Take a little time for yourself when you can. Finally, one step in front of the other. Us mothers have to stick together and pray for each other!!! Take care.

  5. You’re not a bad person. I think every mother has these days. They will get better and you’ll be able to laugh at yourself later. 🙂

    I do worry, though, like you mentioned. Just last month, my husband was late in getting home from a trip, and I was imagining him dead on the side of the road, frozen to death (it was -40 outside) with no one to find him. I had his funeral planned out by the time he called me 10 minutes later.

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