Making It

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(I wrote this yesterday, and I will admit that I feel MUCH better today after some much-needed rest, Mr. V being home, and a sassy haircut!)

Is there a difference between complaining and telling? Because one of those verses that keeps my tongue somewhat in check is, “Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God” (Philippians 2:14-15, NIV).

While I want to be able to pour out my feelings, I am concerned it is just complaining. And my two things I always try to keep in perspective here are not causing anyone else to stumble in their faith and staying positive. This is not my place to rant and rave, as much as I would like to use it as such some days.

I have so incredibly much pressing on me right now. Moving or not moving, keeping a house show-worthy, being a single mom during the week, and working a full-time job that currently seems like it’s trying to kill me.

Some days I can’t seem to put one foot in front of the other without bursting into tears. Lately my head hurts all the time, food tastes like ash, and I am painfully tired.

Do you want to know the real Vanderbilt Wife? Because I am not a person who tells you everything is fine when it’s not. So at the risk of alarming you …

I am a person who constantly struggles with depression and hates to admit it. The more exhausted I am, the more it pulls on me. The more I give in to Satan’s lies that tell me something bad is going to happen or my friends and family would be better off without me. Some days I wonder what would happen if I just stopped doing. Stopped trying.

I spend way too much time inventing awful things that could happen inside my head and then hating myself for doing so. I doubt myself 150% of the time.

I used to be at peace. Before deaths, car accidents, and college. Before I knew rape victims, cursed because I thought it made me cool, and spent nights in panic over the longevity of eternity.

Someday, I tell myself, I will learn. I will love myself, not be encased in worry, and be FREE. As God intended.

But when? And how?

I simply don’t know.

16 thoughts on “Making It

  1. I have to comment myself, first, that I know it could be SO MUCH WORSE. I know many of you are going through much harder things, and I grieve for you.

  2. You sound a lot like me… only I'm typically not bold enough to share. I will pray for you, for sure. "The God of peace will soon crush Satan under your feet. The grace of our Lord Jesus be with you," (Romans 16:20)

  3. *sigh* Oh, Jessie. I just feel your heart so much! Thank you for being so open.

    I don't have any advice. But I do know God's Word is the only thing that can calm fears/protect hearts/bring strength. I'm a big believer in quoting God's Word to help me w/my problems/fears/etc. Find some verses that will support you. And start living with them! God's Word is living and active!

    Ugh. I can't write it very well in a blog comment. You know I love you and am praying for you!


  4. "and the God of peace will soon crush Satan

    Yes God will crush him underneath your feet


    (I'm sorry, I just couldn't help myself… music links us eternally)

  5. Jessie, I think there is a difference between people who complain all the time and those who feel comfortable sharing their tough times with friends. I believe that God gave us the gift of friends not only to share the wonderful times, but also (and often more importantly) to share the bad times. Since we are all parts of the one Body of Christ, we need to take care of any "sick" parts and help them to become well again. "If one member suffers, all suffer together with it; if one member is honored, all rejoice together with it." (1 Corinthians 12:26)

  6. I love your honesty because I can relate to so much of it myself!

    Hope things with the house get settled soon – I know how hard it is to be a "semi-single" parent and how much stress can just drain you.

  7. I don't have any wise words for you…just know that I feel the same way. A LOT. Many many hugs & prayers for you, friend.

    Also, Chatty is not that far from Birmingham. Hint hint…

  8. Thanks for posting. I hope you will join me this week for Crock Pot Wednesday. Mister Linky will be up and ready for you on Tuesday. Thanks again

  9. Hey you – I'm glad you are feeling better. But I'm glad you shared this with us, too. I know your heart and I want to hear all of it – the good and the bad!! Love you!!!

  10. I love your blog because you are so honest and real. Thank you for that. Some of the blogs I read make me feel like an inferior mom because I'm not doing X, Y or Z, but your blog feels like an old friend and you are someone I can relate to. Thanks for sharing all that you do.

  11. i understand that you want to "keep it positive," but there is such value in sharing your struggles as well.

    and you're going through a hard time. there's nothing wrong with saying it. i like reading other people saying it because then i think, "okay, well it's not just me!"

    but i totally understand the conundrum of what you put out there on a blog, and commend you for the way you do it. honesty isn't always free.

  12. Thank you for sharing. You sound like me. I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, but sometimes it is so hard. But you will be fine. I too will pray for you. And we are here for you. Anytime!

  13. Romans 6:13–"Do not go on presenting the members of your body to sin as instruments of unrighteousness; but present yourselves to God as those alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness to God."

    This is my "worry" verse. When I find myself worrying uncontrollably or feeling so laden down that I can't get out of bed, I try to specifically present my body as an "instrument of righteousness" to God. I mean, I think of something "righteous" to do. Usually that starts with praying because I don't have to go anywhere to do that! That way I am consciously doing something concrete that takes my focus and puts it where it should be all along–on Christ and His death on the cross for ME!

    Keep on keeping on 🙂

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