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(I wrote this yesterday, and I will admit that I feel MUCH better today after some much-needed rest, Mr. V being home, and a sassy haircut!)
Is there a difference between complaining and telling? Because one of those verses that keeps my tongue somewhat in check is, “Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God” (Philippians 2:14-15, NIV).
While I want to be able to pour out my feelings, I am concerned it is just complaining. And my two things I always try to keep in perspective here are not causing anyone else to stumble in their faith and staying positive. This is not my place to rant and rave, as much as I would like to use it as such some days.
I have so incredibly much pressing on me right now. Moving or not moving, keeping a house show-worthy, being a single mom during the week, and working a full-time job that currently seems like it’s trying to kill me.
Some days I can’t seem to put one foot in front of the other without bursting into tears. Lately my head hurts all the time, food tastes like ash, and I am painfully tired.
Do you want to know the real Vanderbilt Wife? Because I am not a person who tells you everything is fine when it’s not. So at the risk of alarming you …
I am a person who constantly struggles with depression and hates to admit it. The more exhausted I am, the more it pulls on me. The more I give in to Satan’s lies that tell me something bad is going to happen or my friends and family would be better off without me. Some days I wonder what would happen if I just stopped doing. Stopped trying.
I spend way too much time inventing awful things that could happen inside my head and then hating myself for doing so. I doubt myself 150% of the time.
I used to be at peace. Before deaths, car accidents, and college. Before I knew rape victims, cursed because I thought it made me cool, and spent nights in panic over the longevity of eternity.
Someday, I tell myself, I will learn. I will love myself, not be encased in worry, and be FREE. As God intended.
But when? And how?
I simply don’t know.