Everything’s Bananas

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I had to go to the grocery store today on my way home from work–for bananas. Always bananas. Yesterday that was ALL Libbie would eat. As I was driving home, someone turned RIGHT in front of my car and I had to slam on my just-changed-yesterday brakes, my groceries spilling off my backseat.

I can’t tell you how many almost-accidents I’ve had in the last few months. It never really seems to be my fault (except once, when I was following too closely and had to slam on my brakes), I am usually just puttering along in my own lane, going the speed limit. One day it was someone who ran a red light very late and almost hit me as I was turning right. But still, with so many near-misses, I can’t help but think maybe I’m not alert, not paying quite enough attention.

I’ve come home from work so many days longing to spend time with Libbie playing and yet being so tired all I really want to do is crash. Someone Tweeted today that they wanted to be knitting and needed to be doing dishes, so they were on the computer instead. I feel like that’s my life.

I want to read more books. I want to keep the house clean. I want to crochet. But my computer sucks me in like a magnet and I waste vast amounts of time refreshing Twitter and commenting on blogs.

I am too worn out to even do the things I want to do. I default to the most mindless activities. I play Farmville, for goodness sake.

With the near-miss accident today, I just started bawling. One of those gut cries that you know comes from somewhere else than the situation you’re in. It was because I am exhausted. Because I hate my body. Because Libbie won’t eat anything at all the last week. Because I’m overwhelmed at work. Because I want to eat lunch out but can’t spend the money.

I need some refreshment of the soul. So if I’m not here as much, you’ll know where I am–and where I should be, a lot more. Meditating on the beautiful story of the Christ child and remembering His sacrifice for me.

5 thoughts on “Everything’s Bananas

  1. I understand completely. I woke up a little sick tonight and thought I would get up and write some….yet here I am on the computer but visiting blogs and reading facebook.

    Hope you get refreshed soon.

    Deborah

  2. Aw, Jessie. You're going to make it. And you're amazing to be doing so much! And I promise, Libbie will eat again. 🙂

    Love you and praying for you!!

  3. I had a moment like that a few weeks ago. I was trying to do a very minor home repair and couldn't for the life of me figure it out. That failure then turned into me being a failure at everything I do, and then some major tears. It's the exhaustion, the stress, and just being a mother on call 24/7. We all melt down from time to time, then get right back up and do it all over again.

  4. Man, Jessie, I could say "ditto" to everything you wrote about. Ayla's old favorite, carrots, are now being avoided like the plague. I can't button my pants like I used to, and I live so far away from family. I know how you feel – overwhelmed and tired. But this too shall pass. Be encouraged. You're a great mother. And Libbie will survive on just bananas, as long as she needs to.

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