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There is not much lately that does not overwhelm me.
Housework? Check. Oh me oh my, check.
Parenting? At one point in the past week I determined I don’t deserve another child. I am not doing a good enough job with the one I have.
Marriage? I feel sorry for my husband for having to deal with me like this.
TV commercials? Books? Thinking about how I don’t have enough pictures of Libbie hanging on the wall? Enough to turn me into a blubbering mess.
The concoction of early pregnancy, early toddlerhood, and quitting an antidepressant without weaning (due to sickness) has made my emotions more violent than I have ever known them to be.
I never knew I was a very angry person until recently. Perhaps I’m more aware of it with Libbie watching every move I make. I flip out at people who drive, in my opinion, like morons from the Planet Zergoff. I can’t seem to muster any calm when Libbie insists on hitting me in the face. (Would happily take any advice on how to make this stop, as we have tried many forms of discipline with no success.) I throw clothes across the room when they come out of the dryer with grease spots still clinging to their fabrics.
Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
do not fret—it leads only to evil. –Psalm 37:8, NIV
Be still, my soul.
I know that I am not the most emotionally stable person in the world, but right now I feel like Satan’s taken a grip on all my fears about this baby, about parenthood, about our current situation and I cannot seem to shake him.
See, this post started as something cute and completely different. But I will confess this is the post I’ve been wanting and yet dreading to write for weeks.
I need your prayers. I need time to bury myself in Scriptures and inspiration and kisses from Libbie. I need your forgiveness if I am not blogging because really, there are other important things. I have felt so half-empty that I barely have any words to put together.
Be still, my soul.
I love you, dear ones. Thank you.
And I have to leave you with these old-school Hanson lyrics. Because I know you love me enough to tolerate them.
Dark clouds all around, lightning, rain pouring down
Waiting for the bright light to break through
Face down on the ground
Pick us up at the lost and found
We’ve got to change our point of view, if we want the sky blue