Running on Empty

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Dark clouds March 26

There is not much lately that does not overwhelm me.

Housework? Check. Oh me oh my, check.

Parenting? At one point in the past week I determined I don’t deserve another child. I am not doing a good enough job with the one I have.

Marriage? I feel sorry for my husband for having to deal with me like this.

TV commercials? Books? Thinking about how I don’t have enough pictures of Libbie hanging on the wall? Enough to turn me into a blubbering mess.

The concoction of early pregnancy, early toddlerhood, and quitting an antidepressant without weaning (due to sickness) has made my emotions more violent than I have ever known them to be.

I never knew I was a very angry person until recently. Perhaps I’m more aware of it with Libbie watching every move I make. I flip out at people who drive, in my opinion, like morons from the Planet Zergoff. I can’t seem to muster any calm when Libbie insists on hitting me in the face. (Would happily take any advice on how to make this stop, as we have tried many forms of discipline with no success.) I throw clothes across the room when they come out of the dryer with grease spots still clinging to their fabrics.

Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
       do not fret—it leads only to evil.
–Psalm 37:8, NIV

Be still, my soul.

I know that I am not the most emotionally stable person in the world, but right now I feel like Satan’s taken a grip on all my fears about this baby, about parenthood, about our current situation and I cannot seem to shake him.

See, this post started as something cute and completely different. But I will confess this is the post I’ve been wanting and yet dreading to write for weeks.

I need your prayers. I need time to bury myself in Scriptures and inspiration and kisses from Libbie. I need your forgiveness if I am not blogging because really, there are other important things. I have felt so half-empty that I barely have any words to put together.

Be still, my soul.

I love you, dear ones. Thank you.

And I have to leave you with these old-school Hanson lyrics. Because I know you love me enough to tolerate them.

Dark clouds all around, lightning, rain pouring down
Waiting for the bright light to break through
Face down on the ground
Pick us up at the lost and found
We’ve got to change our point of view, if we want the sky blue

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22 thoughts on “Running on Empty

  1. Praying for the Lord to sustain you through all this…you're definitely not alone in a lot of what it sounds like you're going through. Hugs.

  2. Praying for peace for you during this time. Please don't ask us for forgiveness for not blogging! Take care of yourself, we'll still be here when you're ready.

  3. I will be praying for you!

    When my kids hurt me, I try to remain calm and just say, "Ow! That hurts! I don't play with people who hurt me." and I leave the room. Killian is just a flailer, though, and so I still deal with this. Even though it isn't intention (he's six, he knows better by now) it is still VERY frustrating.

  4. Your posts always resonate with me and seem to be so timely for things I struggle with as well. I appreciate your honesty and sharing what you do…it makes me feel like I am not the only one dealing with similar issues. So thank you for that! You are definitely in my thoughts and prayers…

  5. I'm not sure I can offer much advice, but maybe I can share a resource or two that could help.

    My favorite parenting book outside of the Bible: (you can buy it there cheaper than on Amazon or read it all online for free).

    Another parenting book (set, actually), that I would recommend (I've only read the first one, but I know the author and how her kids turned out!):
    Book 1:
    Book 2:
    (Books 3 & 4 are for older kids & teens.)

    In any case, here's a hug and a prayer. I know it's hard to be honest, but sometimes that's the first step to getting on the road to fixing the problem. God bless you!

  6. Oh Jessie, prayers are always there for you and yours (as those of us mommy's who are still clinging to sanity know they are are coming from you for us as well) and trust me when I say, things will get better. I know how you feel, sometimes more than others. I love knowing that, even now, I'm not the only one who turns to both God and Hanson (in that order, thankfully) in tough times. Those lyrics made my day 🙂

  7. Hi Jessie, I have been reading your blog for a while and never commented. This post really touched me though. I will keep you in my prayers.

    The thing about Satan is that he works really hard on the people who can do him the most damage. You are working hard to have a good marriage and to raise your daughter to love the Lord. You also work hard to inspire other women through this blog! Satan doesn't want you to succeed so he will do everything he can to throw you off your game. Discouragement is one of his most effective tools against women.

    The Lord gives us trials to strengthen us and because of this, He won't give us trials that we cannot bear.

    Remember, He loves you!!

  8. You are not alone – believe me. After too long in my own pit, I'm slowing crawling out, with God's mercy and grace. I'll be praying for you in the coming weeks and months.

    And the blessing of reading blogs through a feeder is that I don't have to stop reading because you stop posting for a while – I'll be hanging around until you're ready to come back!

  9. Oh Jessie-I'm just coming out of this very same period of early pregnancy-induced emotional everything-overwhelms-me craziness.

    Give yourself a break-don't be too hard on yourself. This too will pass!
    You may not have the strength in yourself (none of us do!), but you're looking to God, and He definitely does have what you need!

    This will be my fifth baby-and I've had that exact same thoughts EVERY time. I don't deserve another child-I can't manage the ones I have. And God has seen us through. He wouldn't send you another baby if He wouldn't also give you what you need.
    Take care

  10. I'm feeling the same way right now, just posted on it, no matter how much you've learned about dealing with depression sometimes it just floods over you and it takes a little time to get back up on your feet. My blog the gift of depression talks about how I get through it and out of it, if you want some ideas that may help you. I'm far from perfect but this journey isn't about perfection, it's about getting up and moving forward every time you fall and helping other to do it too.

  11. Ohhhh, how much do I LOVE that you ended with Hanson?!

    Seriously, though, I will absolutely pray for you. Peace…

    (AND I've thought the same thing – that I don't deserve another child because I'm a wretched mother. With anger issues. But THAT is just a big, fat, ugly LIE, whether I'm thinking it or you are!!!)

  12. You don't get to decide if you deserve a baby, God decides when and how children and parents meet. He loves you and is blessing you with this time (I had horrible morning sickness, I know how hard it is to think of as a blessing). I'm praying for you, depression and hormones suck.

  13. Sending prayers your way. You are recognizing what areas you need to work on and that says a lot. Take the time you need to renew yourself.

  14. Praying that you'll soon be on the other side of this storm. Always remember that you are the beloved, beautiful and precious daughter of the King.

  15. I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. Depression, anger and all those other over the top emotions are horrid. My 5 cent advice for you would be to just maintain right now. Acknowledge that this is a rough time for you in your pregnancy and just maintain and take care of yourself. Give yourself a break. Do the basics at home, spend time with Libbie and your hubby, read scripture that you find encouraging and pray. And REST. Don't waste mental energy on anything you don't absolutely have to. And remember that this is temporary. It may not seem like it, but it is! Read chick flicks and watch silly movies or whatever makes you happy and soothes your mind. I'm in my own funk right now and I don't like it! Take one day at a time.
    I don't have much advice for the hitting thing. Each parent disciplines differently so I don't want to push my discipline methods on you. I do know that acting horrified and shocked and then putting her somewhere away from you and taking away the attention and the fun of your presence from her whenever she hits has worked for many parents. Just remember, you are not a bad mother! Every child goes through defiant stages. And DO you "deserve" more children.:o) I've thought the same thing when I'm having a maniacal,emotional, angry, crazy woman kind of day. "aybe this is why God is not allowing me to get pregnant again? Just look at how I'm acting right now!!" That is Satan and our own self doubt working.

    "How To Make Children Mind Without Losing Yours" by Dr. Kevin Lehman is WONDERFUL. He's a Christian and gives wonderful, humorous advice. I can't recommend this book enough.

    Anyway, thinking of you and praying for you.

  16. hi Jessie,

    I read your blog post. I will be praying for you. Thanks so much for your honesty and sharing all that you are battling with with the blog world. I'm praying that God will strenthen you in your inner being. Many blessings.


  17. Jessie,

    Hello, I'm a new reader. 🙂

    When you asked for advice on getting kids to stop hitting I thought of something I could share, but you won't like it. I know I don't like this word at all, even though it works. But it makes me tired and means I have to get up when I don't want to… a lot. At least for a short time until it works…

    The word is: Consistency, that's the key. Decide on a consequence if it happens again, then enforce it, and then do it over and over. If you pick the right consequence, the hitting will stop for sure. It won't take very long, either.

    Not that I'm good at this, believe me. Some days I'm just too worn down and lazy to be the sparkly disciplinarian I should be!

    May God bless you as you get through this funk, I hate funks and have been through my share, too. OH, one more thing, and you'll think I'm a new NUTSO reader when I tell you this, but you know what really does help me when I'm in a funk? Extra cod liver oil. I think it's the vitamin D and all the other superfood nutrients in there that give me the boost I need.

    You can read more about that on my blog if you'd like but I'm not going to be a spammer and leave a link. 🙂


  18. Oh, can I tell you that I felt exactly the same way during the first part of my pregnancy? Dealing with all of the morning sickness and a baby/toddler was so difficult for me. I told my husband on several times, "I CAN'T do this!" I had a lot of dark days, and a lot of despair. I felt like a horrible mom and person. I did things that I would never normally do – and I also had such a short fuse. My anger would scare me sometimes. Take care of yourself and know that you're not alone…and it does get better.

  19. I'm so sorry I missed this post the first time through – but ANY time you need it, I promise I will send happy thoughts your way. Depression and feeling overwhelmed is a HORRIBLE thing to go through feeling alone.
    – Molly

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