State of the Home Address

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very pregnant Jessie

Dearest Family,

I have officially reached “that” point in my pregnancy. The point where I may have just grouched at one of you for chomping popcorn in my ear.

Now that I am thisclose to finishing all of my pre-baby freelance responsibilities, I fully intend to spend the rest of this pregnancy sitting on my birth ball watching DVRed shows and generally ignoring any responsibility. That, and sleeping, when and if possible.

I regret to inform you that there is no menu plan. Feel lucky if I manage to warm up something from the freezer section of the grocery store. We have some items in the freezer, but I would prefer to eat them sparingly until the baby arrives (and preferably after my mother leaves, when true insanity begins).

To my husband, I only ask that you clean up after yourself, do all the laundry, and keep our child out of my hair after you work all day. I think that’s a fair exchange considering I am carrying your son.

To my daughter, please realize that just because Mommy can’t run after you it is NOT a good time to decide to be defiant over matters such as whether you will wear your coat. Mommy will always win. Get over it. Defiance may result in no television, movies, and possible dismissal of all of your toys. Mommy is in no mood to put up with crap.

I do solemnly swear that it will only be a few weeks before I am back to my kind-hearted, warm self. Until then, I ask that you deal with it. It is a lot of work to carry your son/brother, who is apparently hungry 36 hours a day and whose greatest joy is to kick the heck out of my ribcage.

Your loving wife and mother.


3 thoughts on “State of the Home Address

  1. This letter is hilarious, and I feel like you read my mind, too! All of this, every word? Could totally heave it at my Adam and our Henry. Please keep me abreast of all your DVR'ed goodies…I'm in need of stuff to watch while lying around waiting to give birth already. We are so very alike, my friend!

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