Rainy September

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It’s another day where I feel like I’ve failed in everything.

Clothes don’t fit,
but I eat macaroni and cheese.
Try to stay calm,
but I still snap snap snap. Pull glasses back, point angrily, try to get the lightbulb turned on above her head.
Grump at other cars,
write Better Business Bureau reports in my head
instead of offering forgiveness
and remembering it’s a first world problem.

In the solitary night,
I cling to what I try to imprint
on my babies’ brains.

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Today Libbie said to me, “God loves me when I obey Mommy and Daddy.”

“NO.” I am scared of this lesson, this untruth. “God ALWAYS loves you. He LIKES it when you obey. But that doesn’t change His love.”

Does she get it? Do I?

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6 thoughts on “Rainy September

  1. I love this, Jessie. Love everything about it. The raw honesty. The beautiful recognition of God's unwavering love. Just wonderful.

  2. Thank you for being so breathtakingly honest. So often I read blog posts that always seem like everyone has all together but me. I am so thankful for God's grace that covers me when my patient runs out and I remember that He is faithful and He is just. Beautiful, honest words Jessie.

  3. What was that you wrote the other day? Something about not being able to write well or some such nonsense?

    Ummmm……you just did exactly that.

    (And God loves YOU even when YOU feel like you've failed in everything)

  4. Ain't that the truth? I was just talking with some family over the weekend about how I feel like such a failure. I feel like post partum is catching up with me at 7 months. I try to put on a happy face for other people, but I don't feel it. Sucks. (Don't be mad at me for saying ain't. And sucks.)

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