Free to Be Me

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I’m glad to say that, 3+ years later, I feel even more comfortable in my own skin. And also that I text now … not for the need to be more connected, but because sometimes that’s the only way to get people to answer.

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As I was coming home from the gym last night (and yes, it’s the first time in months I’ve been able to say that. I swam some during my pregnancy, but that was it. It’s one of my bigger regrets and next pregnancy I will try to stay more in shape. Not that I was in shape in the first place.)

Um, where was I?

Oh, yes. I was driving home last night, feeling a throbbing pain on the back of my left heel. I’d worn my ankle brace because I have this tendency to hurt myself, particularly at the Y. My ankle is still healing up from its last sprain and I really did not care to wipe out on the treadmill in front of those bodybuilding guys who I am SURE are always laughing at how fat and out-of-shape I am.

I am an Observer by nature, and although I spent my time on the treadmill watching Good Eats (really, WHO watches Food Network while working out? I’m an idiot), I was also watching those around me. The guy beside me holding onto the side rails of his treadmill and doing a funny walk. The skinny elliptical girls. In my plain sight were two girls doing stretches and ab exercises on floor mats–and taking breaks to text on their phones. (Texting kinda baffles me. I don’t feel the need to be that connected to people, I guess.)

Anyway, the drive home. Right. I was annoyed at myself for wearing a blister into my heel. Earlier last night, I looked down at my foot and said, “I’m bleeding.” I didn’t know how it happened. I’m constantly noticing bruises on my legs from unknown sources. I fall down. I guess I’m just a klutz.

I wondered, driving, what it would be like to be somebody who did not do these things. Someone “cool.” Maybe an elliptical girl, skinny–which I have never been–and someone who doesn’t go to bed at 9 p.m., doesn’t feel like she always wears the wrong thing to work, and doesn’t randomly hurt herself on a consistent basis.

Really, most of the time, I’m OK with being plain old awkward me. I just wonder what’s it like to be on the other side. Do you know? Maybe nobody thinks they’re cool. Maybe everyone deals with the same sense of insecurity.

I’m learning. Learning to be me. Learning that it’s not so bad after all. Mr. V loves me the way I am, all kinds of crazy and everything. Libbie seems to like me (or at least my, ahem, chest). I have great friends, wonderful family, all who don’t seem to run away when I come near them. And most of all, I have a Father who seems to adore me no matter how much I screw up. In fact, He promises it.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39

Photo courtesy of Garrison Photo via Stock Exchange

9 thoughts on “Free to Be Me

  1. I *do* think everyone feels this way. There is always someone skinnier, prettier, more put together, richer or swankier. (I was running out of words…)

    But it's the verse you said—we don't get our SELF-esteem from ourselves…we need to make sure our esteem is Christ-centered. We can do ALL things…we are cherished, beloved and uniquely created. That's what makes me worthy. Not my elliptical skills (which I have none.). <—-darn those parentheses. now you have me freaked about them!!!

    Love YOU!
    a

  2. Don’t know what it’s like to be on the “other side.” And I’m guessing there’s some sort of other side for all of us. I love, love, LOVE your honesty – you’ve just said all the things that most of us think all the time and never speak outloud! Thanks for that!

  3. So true! I remember loving the relationship with my newborn son partly b/c he didn’t see any of my imperfections.

  4. Oh, honey. i’m pretty sure that i’m safe in saying that all of us – even those of us who (are crazy and) love the gym – feel this way.

    And i am always, always so grateful to know that God thinks that i’m enough, that God makes me enough, and that God has given me friends (like you!) to help me remember. 🙂

    Love you!

  5. I dated a “cool” guy for a short time in college, and he was THE most insecure person I have ever met. I think everyone has their insecurities.

  6. I agree…I think that we all have our insecurities. I have always been intimidated to go to the gym! I too am very clumsy and have never been one to work-out, and I am just positive that everyone at a gym would notice that I have no idea what I’m doing…although probably no one cares! I have trouble convincing myself of that though!

  7. Thanks for being so honest! I think everyone feels this way in certain circumstances. And it’s so important to embrace our quirks and celebrate them!

  8. We need to love ourselves, and think of being healthy…not necessarily thin(there are many thin people that are not healthy).

  9. You know it’s not at all easy to be so candid about yourself while having the resolve to learn who you are in Him and find a place of peace.

    I recently posted the song Free to Be Me for my sis on her b-day. I think it may bless you should you want to stop by. I am sure you may have heard it, so I leave you with the link and these words…

    http://heresmycuplord.com/2009/04/27/happy-birthday-katie-jean/

    You ARE free!! Free to be HIS and who HE called you to be. As you stated, NOTHING can separate you from the one who created you and who LOVES you so much that He established that FREEDOM, just for you, being nailed to a tree (The Cross)!

    Learning with you,
    Ginger

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