After His Birth

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(You can read about his birth here.)

I can’t begin to describe the joy Joshua has brought into our lives in the past almost-five months. He is a wildly happy baby with an enormous grin that enchants everyone around him.

joshua

He was very unexpected. We intended to wait until David was at least 3 before we had a third child. But God knew us and our family. I don’t know if we would ever have had a third on our own timing. So I am grateful for the unexpected blessing of our precious Joshua and the light he brings to our family.

But these past months have been so, so difficult. I feel like every day I have a to-do list of 5762759 things to do and I get two of them done. Maybe. My mellow David has taken to having screaming fits at all times of the day and night. Libbie’s need for constant attention goes from adorable to maddening. From “please do a craft with me” to pummeling her brother and screaming at him. She tries to control and make rules for absolutely every situation. David gets confused as to whether he is supposed to follow her rules or not. There is much yelling and hitting between the two of them.

And given that Mr. V and I haven’t slept much in about a month doesn’t help with the whole parenting thing.

libbie

Right now it is hard. The less sleep I get the more my depression creeps up. The less I want to parent the more I know I need to before Tiny Terrorists take over our home.

The summer has been good and bad. Having Mr. V home all the time is priceless with a baby this young. But being unscheduled is very difficult for our extroverted Libbie. Which makes her all the more restless and loud and obnoxious some days.

The good times, they are so sweet. Collecting all my babies on my lap to read stories. Watching Libbie have dance shows and sing long, made-up songs. Holding a tiny hand in the store. Nursing a half-asleep infant with his hand resting on me, staking his territory. All the happy laughs and tickles and declarations from Libbie that “this meat is the goodest!”

But some days I am terrified that I am doing everything wrong, that we haven’t spaced out these kids enough and they will hate us and each other and God.

david

And when one of them wakes up wailing in the middle of the night, I just want to hide under my bed until they stop.

There have been days lately where I’ve considered quitting everything. No more blogging, no more writing, no more social media. These three little ones need me SO much and I need and want to be there for them. Some days lately I’ve neglected all other responsibilities to play on the floor, do puzzles, play trains, color, do crafts. And it’s wonderful.

But writing is my heart, it’s in the depth of my soul. I know once Libbie’s in preschool at the end of the month, once Joshua starts sleeping more, I’m going to be more myself again. I will be able to get up early, seek the Lord, get some of the tasks out of the way.

Right now the days just seem so. very. long. And I am tired of tears. Mine and theirs.

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I’m always hesitant to post something like this. I hope you know that I absolutely love and adore my kids and would never want to scare off anyone from having many small children! Anne Bogel brought this post from Camp Patton to my attention, and YES. I want you to know that your kids are not the only crazy ones as much as I want to know that I am not the only mom struggling. I wouldn’t trade these three sweet things for all the free time in the world. 

9 thoughts on “After His Birth

  1. I feel you! And I’m nervous about my upcoming life in a few weeks/months.

    Sleep deprivation is absolute torture. It makes me a slug and a crazy person. I hope you build p your deficit soon.

    It is not always going to be this nuts. Hang on. And you are doing great!

    • You’ll be OK … eventually. Hehe. It’s a mess and I seriously feel like my brain is gone, but I love all the babies playing together and loving each other. I know Johnny and Vivie will adore their little sis!

  2. Oh, Jessie. You are so brave to write about these things that all moms feel. You are an amazing mother to your three beautiful babies. And you are MORE amazing for them precisely because you take the time to reflect on your own needs and feelings and to do what you need to do to remain fulfilled and at peace. Beautiful to read, as always.

  3. My three (now adult) children were spaced closely, 14 months between the first two and then 2 years. What were we thinking??? Two of them as adults are committed Christians and parents. One of them still has not come into his own with The Lord, but we see now that he is a parent more spiritual concern. It was hard and I was inconsistent as a parent, but God works through it all. Blessings on you and your family.

  4. God bless you and your sweet family. Playing on the floor and leaving the “supposed to do” tasks is perfectly ok. There is nothing more important than the things going on in little hearts and minds, nothing more exciting right now than what those little hands are learning to accomplish. Mine are 12,11 and seven and I miss those years of playing with little people. Keep on hanging on, and I wish you a few more hours of sleep very soon. Love this post 🙂

    • Thank you, Jennifer! It’s wild around here but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I can’t wait to meet you at Allume! I’ll be the one carting around that little cutie from the first picture. He’ll be about 7 months by then! 🙂

  5. Honesty like this is so good even when it is so scary. Babies are hard. Toddlers are hard. Big kids are hard. No sleep is hard. It doesn’t make all the good disappear, but reality is not all baby kisses and craft projects. I tell myself a hundred times a day in 20 years I will be well rested, the house will be quiet and I will be sad about it.

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