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There was a day recently when I really was losing it. Sobbing in the kitchen, wondering if my kids and husband would be better off without me. If my husband might marry someone with a shred of sanity, someone who knows how to keep a home clean and raise children without shouting or condescending or guilting or any of the other three million things I am doing wrong.
On the other side of this Depression Day, it seems crazy and silly. But in that moment it is truth. It is fear down in my bone marrow. It is worry that I cannot take one more word of sass, one more scream that wakes the baby, one more chomping down during nursing, one more muffin crumbled on the carpet before I literally lose my mind or lash out.
Many days I am convinced I am doing absolutely everything wrong.
Saturday night I took Libbie in the van to go get her daddy from the airport. We were chatting about turning her pink Christmas tree – which is still up in her room – into a Valetine’s Day tree with heart decorations. I mentioned making salt dough ornaments for it and she was beside herself with excitement.
“We have a pink heart cutter!” she said. “I will write ‘Jesus is the savior’ on it. It will be my Valance Time present for GOD!!”
And then I cried. It felt like an early Valance-Time present to me from God, an assurance that we can’t be doing everything wrong. Libbie is growing up to be a caring, loving, friendly girl, who wants to know about God and hear about Jesus’s death and resurrection.
There aren’t a lot of super-easy days right now. But they are days full of life and giggles alongside the tempers and tantrums. And I am glad to be living them.