The Darkness and the Light

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There was a day recently when I really was losing it. Sobbing in the kitchen, wondering if my kids and husband would be better off without me. If my husband might marry someone with a shred of sanity, someone who knows how to keep a home clean and raise children without shouting or condescending or guilting or any of the other three million things I am doing wrong.

On the other side of this Depression Day, it seems crazy and silly. But in that moment it is truth. It is fear down in my bone marrow. It is worry that I cannot take one more word of sass, one more scream that wakes the baby, one more chomping down during nursing, one more muffin crumbled on the carpet before I literally lose my mind or lash out.

Many days I am convinced I am doing absolutely everything wrong.

And yet.

Saturday night I took Libbie in the van to go get her daddy from the airport. We were chatting about turning her pink Christmas tree – which is still up in her room – into a Valetine’s Day tree with heart decorations. I mentioned making salt dough ornaments for it and she was beside herself with excitement.

“We have a pink heart cutter!” she said. “I will write ‘Jesus is the savior’ on it. It will be my Valance Time present for GOD!!”

And then I cried. It felt like an early Valance-Time present to me from God, an assurance that we can’t be doing everything wrong. Libbie is growing up to be a caring, loving, friendly girl, who wants to know about God and hear about Jesus’s death and resurrection.

There aren’t a lot of super-easy days right now. But they are days full of life and giggles alongside the tempers and tantrums. And I am glad to be living them.


6 thoughts on “The Darkness and the Light

  1. I cannot relate to your feelings as a mother, since I don’t have children (though I will say that as a teacher I can make a bit of a comparison). After having a sitting-in-the-middle-of-the-kitchen-floor-crying tantrum last night while making dinner, though, I can relate to your feelings of looking at it from the other side. Feelings of being overwhelmed and feeling inadequate come and go. I feel pretty confident, though, that your husband and children would NOT find a better person better at your job that you. Breathe in, breathe out…

  2. I don’t suffer from depression, but I do have thyroid issues. I struggled for about a year feeling like I was living in a fog. I was short-tempered with the people I love most, and there were days when I just could not handle what had to be done in my world. Someone reminded me recently that even with how flawed I believe myself to be, my babies look at me and see not a perfect mommy, but the perfect mommy for them. My husband sees not a perfect woman, but the one God created for him. It’s a balance, in part because I can easily see how far away from my ideal I want to be, but I know I have to keep trying, even on the days I’d rather not. You can do it. Thanks for sharing your struggle, though. It helps more than you know to realize I’m not alone.

  3. Sugar, take a breath, take your pills (if you’ve been proscribed some – I personally recommend Zoloft), and remember DEPRESSION LIES. You have to live through it, but eventually you’ll feel better. Until then, we all love you here in VA, and I know that your hubby and munchkins love you more than air.

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