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I’ve been pretty stuck to my bed and the couch since Saturday morning. My back has flared up again (for the millionth time in the last 3 years), and it’s hard to sit up in the car, walk around when I have to be carrying Joshua, or even wash dishes or do laundry.
I’m generally not an inactive person. I like to be out and about. I barely watch TV anymore, because I can’t sit still long enough to do so. And when I do, I’m thinking, “What else should I be doing right now?” I’m not sure that’s a good thing, but it’s the truth.
It’s so hard to stay put when all I want to do is clean the maelstrom that is our apartment, since Joshua is actually asleep. But I know for healing, I can’t be crouching down all over the floor or hunched over the sink. It just doesn’t help.
I’ve heard many a time that it’s much harder to stay put in a struggling marriage than leave. Our marriage has never been at a point that rocky, so I can’t attest to that. But I’ve learned marriage isn’t the only place where that adage fits.
It can be really hard to stay when you want to go.
For us, it’s our church. The last two years have been really rocky for our community of faith. It’s a traditional church trying to exist in 2014 and finding out what that means. And there have been many, many times where Mr. V and I asked each other, “Is it time for us to go?” Many of our friends have left the church, including one of my best friends and my mentor.
But we never felt peace about going. And somewhere in there, we made the decision to stay for the storm. To hold on and do our part to help the change. We took over our Sunday School class as teachers. I went back to help with David’s Wednesday-night class. I’m trying to make it to sing in the choir most weeks, although at this point in our lives the kids’ bedtime definitely has to be a higher priority than choir practice.
It’s not fun to feel like you’re one of the few left to fill the open slots. But we feel that is God’s plan for us right now. It’s been super hard to see how much our church in Nashville is thriving and growing. But we are convinced God is working through our ministers and they want the best for the church and our community.
It doesn’t make it not hard.
Sometimes I feel the same way in our home life, too. I don’t mind being home, but I love being out and doing things. With small ones, though, you need to be home for naptime. No matter how David fights it, he needs some downtime in his room. Sometimes I have to be home just to get lunches made and sheets washed and my sanity intact. I don’t like it. I find it easier to get wrapped up in the go here-here-here, maybe because there I get some social interaction with someone who doesn’t start screaming when they don’t like what I say.
But I stay. It’s hard sometimes. I want the flexibility I had before kids.
But I need to stay. I could go, but I believe in staying there’s going to be a blessing. Whether it’s the quiet of a nap or the honing of leadership skills or just the knowledge that I did what God told me to do.