Teetering on the Edge

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David at the beach

It’s September 1st.

For me, that can feel like the edge.

I remember the exact feeling of panic I got last year. I think it has to do with October through December being a jumble of holidays and birthdays for us. I so vividly remembering spewing to my husband that, “It is almost FALL and then Libbie will be 6 and then it will be Halloween and then Thanksgiving and then David’s birthday and then Christmas and before I know it, it will be March and Joshua will be TWO. WAHHHHH!!!!”

I’ve never claimed to be a sensible and calm person.

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I woke up this morning with that same edge-of-the-cliff feeling. Only now it’s all a year old. How could my baby possibly turn 3? Never mind that his birthday is still more than half a year away. It feels like those months will slip through my fingers like Jell-o.

I read this post by Steph Fisher last week reminding me of Brené Brown’s thoughts on “foreboding joy” in her (too wonderful and awful) book Daring Greatly. Brown writes, “When we lose our tolerance for vulnerability, joy becomes foreboding.”

It is vulnerable to love with our whole hearts. It is vulnerable to love my kids at 6 1/2, 4 1/2, and 2 1/2, knowing that soon those numbers will round up and change. It is vulnerable to live in the moment and simply enjoy the sunshine and scents and little laughs without worrying what is to come.

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So this fall, I’m giving myself permission to be vulnerable. To sit and stare into three sets of big blue eyes – all different, beautiful shades – and truly listen to my kids speak.

I’m giving myself permission to lavish in the remainder of the summer (which lasts until about mid-October here, really) without worrying about when to pull out the long sleeves and pumpkin decorations.

I’m taking one month at a time, even as I go to events to make sure David has a spot at Libbie’s wonderful school when he’s in kindergarten next August. One week at a time. One day. One hour!

I’m making time for myself to exercise and eat real foods, knowing that the payoff is daily and long-term, and not feeling guilty for leaving my kids in the gym childcare for an hour.

I’m giving constant, constant thanks, knowing that is the best way to firmly plant myself in today and now.

Consider those my Right Now Resolutions.

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One thought on “Teetering on the Edge

  1. Thank you for sharing these thoughts and being vulnerable so we can identify with you! Yay for one hour at a time!
    My babist baby turns ONE this month and we’ve got lots of things planned, so I feel like it will be here before I know it.

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